a visit with the departed

I’m not exactly sure what day it is today but WOW. Last night was our 4th ayahuasca ceremony and it was absolutely amazing. So many things led up to how last night happened and the things I experienced. From the conversations that other people had in front of me and with me, the experiences they had in past sessions.. to all what I’ve been through in my life.
Prior to ceremony, I wanted to speak to the shamans about feeling as if my body was rejecting the ayahuasca and what advice they had for me. I went for a little nature walk with one of the girls and apparently missed my chance to speak to them. 
After the flower bath.. and after my meditation in the rain, I asked one of the facilitators for advice. After asking me what I felt my issues were, she told me to remember why I came here and said something about acknowledging how I get distracted. I felt a protective energy from the other facilitator all afternoon. 
For ceremony, I wore my long sleeve cotton white shirt, leggings, socks, nothing under- I felt free.
I was nervous about an hour leading to ceremony. I was trying to form a specific intention that encompassed exactly why I came. I had been distracted in past ceremonies, asking for things I was told ayahuasca had the ability to show us. This time, I remembered why I came, I was overflowing with emotions. I decided I would ask Mata Ayahuasca to help me find my soul and to realize all the love I would ever need is inside me already.
We did a group meditation. I think the best yet. Deep breathing, release from up and down, pulling in and out, focusing on every are of the body. I was so relaxed, I almost dozed off. 
This time, I drank half a cup. I stated my intention as I drank, in my mind.. I remember the female shaman saying something right after I drank but what she said I cannot remember.
As I got up to head back to my mat, I immediately felt a very high energy, something I had never felt before. I started to shake. I tried to come back to my breath.. I heard my barf sister throw up, I knew it was almost my turn. I managed to keep the medicine in until the moment of the candle light being turned off. 
This heaviness came upon me and a few visuals began. I remembered sitting down with other people.. there were quite a few of them, tall men dressed in a light color, sitting in the inner circle of the moloka. These huge round circular discs full of information, in some type of code, rotating in front of me, toward me. I felt I had seen this image before, where, I am not too sure. I remember bright pink, blue, and a reddish color against the black. It was so beautiful. I think there were animals and water around also. I was sitting in the moloka, yes, but I had entered some other dimension. I felt a bit frightened, unsure of what was to come. In my fright, I chanted love and all became bright. 
I could feel my body vibrating.. and then my grandma and my dad in the room. I could not see them, but I felt their presence, their spirit energy. They were close to me, in the upper part of the right corner in the moloka. I wept. I remember talking with my grandma.. laughing, telling her I understood. And now it made sense why I was so drawn to her. I was overcome with love. 
I turned to the shamans and thanked them. They looked older and felt older, I called them ‘mis abuelos’.
Grandma was telling me about our family and that we are healing people. She showed me.. or in a sense had me remember, things from when I was young. Her funeral replayed in my thoughts, she showed me my behavior, how I was engaging with all.. she showed me as I watched her in the coffin, as my dad picked me so I could apply perfume to her. At the dead work, a religious function that takes place once a hindu passes away, I was the only child in the room. She showed me my presence there many years ago, my attention to the work, I was fully engaged with what was going on.. watching my dad perform the rituals for her. I picked up my hair and showed her its length. I sent her love and hugs.
Then my dad came. How I’ve missed him so much.. so very much. I put my hands to him and sent and received so much love. I wept.. and wept. I told him how much I missed him. I asked him why he has to leave me, Manda, and Jeremy (my younger siblings). He let me feel his pain, a deep sorrowful pain, he said he wanted/was ready? to be a bird again. He wanted to be free. I wept so much. I remembered when I was a child, my father used to tell me when he died he wanted to be free as a bird. He told me something good had came to him the night he passed away, a good spirit, to help him let go. I scolded him a little for leaving his kids. And I scolded him for his behavior toward mom when he was alive.. I remember air smacking him a couples times.. 3 actually. And throughout, love.

I looked around the room.. I sent so much love to everyone. I thanked the shamans again. I sent love and respect to them as well as the facilitators. I breathed in and blew love to everyone. I remember picking up my hair and showing it the two of the women in the moloka, it was dark of course, but I was showing their presence. I was showing my hair, saying ‘I knew’. The vibrations were so strong.. my entire self was pulsating. 
I visited each person in that room. I felt as if I could feel what they were going on, in their journey. I could feel pain in some. I sent healing energy. I would later find out the next day, from each, that most of what I sensed was in fact what they were going through. 
All during the night, I could feel this immense energy coming from the sky.. the animals, the insects.. were all giving all love and energy and I was channeling it into the room. The vibration was so intense, my hands went above and to the side of me, I began moving my fingers as if they were wings, bringing it all in. 
Then I positioned myself and got ready.. first I visited my sister. I told her I was sorry and didn’t meant o abandon her when we were younger, that I was going through my own things and didn’t know how to do that and be there for her in those moments. I prayed for her and sent so much love.I also told her I saw Grandma and Dad. 
I took a sip of water, as I was completely perched from visiting my sister.. and then went to visit my brother. I prayed for him and told him I saw Dad and why he had to go. I held him in my arms and rocked him like when he was a baby and sang him ‘silent night’. I told him I loved him and I would always, always be there for him.
I took another sip and visited mom. I cried, a very deep cry. I told her I loved her and forgave her for all that happened. I put my hands over her body and tried to heal her of her internal issues. I cried a lot. I felt so drained. I leaned back, stretched, and took another sip of water. 
Next, I went back to Dad and told him how sorry I was for the pain he experienced. I told him I would go back and try towel his pain. Somehow I felt as I was able to go back in time to when dad still had his body. I put my hands over him and prayed for his sorrow to be healed. I told him how sorry I was for not spending time with him in the end of his physical presence and how much I loved him. When I was done, I needed another sip of water. 
I visited Mr. Sicily. I cried a bit also. I saw he was sleeping. I put my hands over him ‘I’m sorry for your pain, I know you don’t know/remember love in that way.. I forgive you for how mean you’ve been, if you hadn’t been I wouldn’t be here right now.. and its ok if we aren't to be- its ok, I understand now why you cam into my life- still a soul mate but maybe not in that way, but I will always be here for you, you will always have a friend in me, I will always love you.’ I smiled and cried. 
I visited my first love, Mr. Superhero. I told him I forgave him and that I did love him but we were not meant for each other in that way in this life. I told him he would be ok. 
The vibration of love that I was feeling was so real. I was moving my hands to sounds of the jungle. I felt the space between my throat and my ear open up- and felt a rush of air pass through that space and into the room. 
The animals outside were getting louder it seemed, it felt as if they were communicating with me or all of us in the moloka. I raised my arms to the sky and my arms buena to wave. I was especially drawn to the crickets, the frogs, and the birds. My self could feel the vibration of the moth, or so it felt. I was able to bring love from outside the moloka, in. I literally felt like I was pulling an immense amount of love inside. I spread it to all inside sharing the space. There was magic in the air, quite literally.
I thought I was done, but the healing sessions began again. 
I went to visit my cousin, the one who had suggested I come to Peru. I told him thank you for sending me to the Amazon and told him Grandma came to visit me. I told him the messages Grandma gave me about our family. I told him about Dad coming to visit me and his messages about his departure. I told him we should bring another of our cousins.. another sip of water. 
All the while my eyes were open and closed. I was fully feeling the medicine but also very conscious of what was going on and also occurring in the room.
I visited Sabrina, my childhood and still best friend. I laughed with her and danced for her (while sitting) and told her I was coming into myself. Water.
I visited Vanessa, my college and still best friend. I put my hands over her body and cried a little as I could feel the worry of her sickness. Amidst my healing session with her, I heard kambo. I laughed and told her to come to jungle and do kambo.
I said hello to Victor.
I visited one of the guys in the room, a few times during the night.. He was having a really hard night with the purging. I told him I totally understood his actions from the night before. (The night before he had been a bit louder than most, standing up and chanting, saying he was god) I giggled and said Shiva Shakti. I made a face in Kali pose. 
I visited another friend and told her not to sad and prayed over her also. I could sense a deep sadness inside. 
Sasha visited me. I cried. Sasha had passed away not long before, she was raped and killed by someone she should have been able to trust. A young girl, my sisters age, a childhood friend, and a reason I was there in the Amazon in that moment. She was smiling, I could feel her smile. She said it had to be her. She said she was very strong and I laughed with her as I showed her my muscles and she responded yes. She had to be the one to fight it (him? demon? bad spirit?) I told her I would go see her parents and tell them he said hello.
At one point in the night, I turned around and was feeling the vibration form the jungle, from the life that lived in this magical place. It was truly a beautiful thing. I send my respect and love. 
I looked at a super bright star to my right and gave prayers and thanks. It felt as if this star was sending energy directly to me. 
My dad’s dad came to visit me. He sat in front of me. I saw him very clearly. “Finally beta, you are here.. its been a long time”
I needed water. I felt so thirsty this night. 
When the shamans started singing, the vibration in me got at its most intense state. I was moving along to the music. I remember saying to my grandma, ‘ should I just go ahead and dance?.. no, not quite yet.’
When the first shaman sat in front of me I moved to the beat of his icaros. He put both his feet on my mat. I gently placed the tips of my fingers on his feet for blessings. When placed his hands in front of me to do his work, I placed the tips of my fingers on his. His face seemed to change as he was sitting in front of me, he looked like my grandpa. It was not steady but seemed to flush in and out. When he moved to the next person, I took another sip of water. 
The other shaman sat in front of me and I could not hold back my urge to dance any longer. My eyes were closed and I moved to the sound of her voice. When I opened my eyes, my movements seemed to have been complementing hers. At the time I felt a presence of a strong mother figure, I identified so much with her icaros.
When she moved, I began to really embrace the sound and dance. It was intense. I felt I had been to dancing to these sounds for lifetimes. It felt so ingrained in me. 
When ceremony was ending, the shamans flashed a light at the facilitator. He had dozed off. I remember they had flashed a couple of times without response. After he got up, he dizzy walked over to the shamans. He seemed a bit confused orin a daze. He went to the candle to put it back on. The lighter was not working. I kept thinking, perhaps the spirits did not want the ceremony to end. 
I stayed in the molokai after ceremony. I was feeling the energy so much.
I needed to pee. I walked to the bathroom, I must have peed for 3 minutes. So much water inside me. 
Back in the moloka, one of the guys came over and we talked. I asked him if he felt that I visited him in the night. He said he did, all during the night. 
I stayed up talking with a few other people that night, before heading to my bed, to try and get some rest. 
When I did get to my room, around 3:30am, the vibration was still so strong. My eyes opened at 5:30am, I sat up in my bed, said my prayers to the rising sun. 
I went for a walk around the lodge. I saw the shamans. I hugged them and the others who were awake at that time. One of the shamans embraced me calling me her daughter, ‘mi hija, mi hija’. So much love.
During group share I was super emotional and very grateful to have all these people around me. Some of what happened to me was confirmed by others. One of the facilitators said he had silent night replaying in his head over and over. Three of the guys confirmed what I thought they were journeying through was in fact true. 
In the day, I was nervous, thinking whether or not to drink for the 5th ceremony. I had such an amazing, positive experience, I did not know what may happen on our final night.

---